Perhaps you’ve heard about how men in our society are programmed to hide their emotions. Perhaps you’ve even noticed this in yourself. It can be especially difficult for men who are going through difficult phases in life to look for an find the support that they need, due to the way they have been conditioned as young children not to admit feeling sad or lonely or lost. Men whose marriages are in crisis, or who are feeling unfulfilled in their careers, or who have painful relationship with family members, often suffer in silence for years before they reach out for support. In some cases this silent suffering can lead to self-medicating through alcohol or substance use, or to excessive anger at those around them, or to deep depression that seems like it will last forever. Once they reach out and start to explore the true origins of these emotions, most of the time these men experience huge relief and begin to realizethat depression is not permanent, rage does not actually feel good, and substances do not hold the answer (for more along these lines it is interesting to contemplate the Buddhist concept of the Four Noble Truths). Through caring, compassionate acceptance of feelings and the bravery to face them head-on, men in transition can come through crises feeling stronger and more grounded than before. Rather than reacting to perceived threats from their partners or colleagues, men can learn to, in the words of Tara Brach, “tend and befriend” their difficult feelings, rather than reacting to them with “fight or flight” – and to find the strength to re-align their lives so that they can live more in harmony with their values and needs.
An excellent resource on the emotional lives of boys and men is Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Thompson and Kindlon.