Atomic Habits

One of the best books I’ve read recently is Atomic Habits by James Clear. Here is the author explaining how focusing on tiny changes can have a big impact over time. As I think about the past year and all the habits that have sprung up or else become unearthed I can think of a lot of ways this could be useful in supporting ourselves in growth and grounding.

Men in Crisis and in Healing

Perhaps you’ve heard about how men in our society are programmed to hide their emotions. Perhaps you’ve even noticed this in yourself. It can be especially difficult for men who are going through difficult phases in life to look for an find the support that they need, due to the way they have been conditioned as young children not to admit feeling sad or lonely or lost. Men whose marriages are in crisis, or who are feeling unfulfilled in their careers, or who have painful relationship with family members, often suffer in silence for years before they reach out for support. In some cases this silent suffering can lead to self-medicating through alcohol or substance use, or to excessive anger at those around them, or to deep depression that seems like it will last forever. Once they reach out and start to explore the true origins of these emotions, most of the time these men experience huge relief and begin to realizethat depression is not permanent, rage does not actually feel good, and substances do not hold the answer (for more along these lines it is interesting to contemplate the Buddhist concept of the Four Noble Truths). Through caring, compassionate acceptance of feelings and the bravery to face them head-on, men in transition can come through crises feeling stronger and more grounded than before. Rather than reacting to perceived threats from their partners or colleagues, men can learn to, in the words of Tara Brach, “tend and befriend” their difficult feelings, rather than reacting to them with “fight or flight” – and to find the strength to re-align their lives so that they can live more in harmony with their values and needs. 

An excellent resource on the emotional lives of boys and men is Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by Thompson and Kindlon. 

Self Compassion instead of Self Criticism

Take it easy on yourself and be healthier. 

We often engage in self-criticism as a way to motivate ourselves and to correct whatever flaws we believe ourselves to have. But so much of the time the end result is not that we become the better person we hoped to be, but that we grind ourselves down and end up feeling worthless and unmotivated. Next time you notice yourself engaging in self-criticism in order to make yourself better, try a short experiment: re-label the impulse to criticize as an impulse to help. Mentally thank your brain for trying to help make you a better person, and then see if you can detach yourself from that impulse. Instead, try noticing how you actually are (worried? afraid? insecure?), and then allow yourself to feel compassion for that part that feels it needs to bully you into being better. With time you will come to recognize that the self-critical part is actually the part of you that is most in need of compassion and acceptance. In therapy, we practice labeling these impulses and sending gratitude - and even love - to those places that most feel unworthy, in order to free ourselves from the self-criticism treadmill. 

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Heather Havrilesky tweeted this out yesterday....

"Your biggest fears and your most grandiose delusions about yourself both point in the direction of your truest passions.  In order to feel passionate and inspired, you have to peel off the fears and self-hatred that your talents have been packed in for years.   When shame and sadness kicks up, you're getting close to the center of what you love.  When you feel like an idiotic deluded show-off, you might've just discovered some streak of brilliance that deserves your respect.  Let your fear guide you straight to what you love the most."
                    https://twitter.com/hhavrilesky/status/998620621696262144

 

 

Why Psychotherapy Works

"When one is in a bad place in one’s head, the modern world offers three main sources of solace: psychiatric medication, CBT and psychotherapy.... which from a distance looks like it has only drawbacks."  (The Book of Life) Interesting piece on why the option that initially appears the hardest and least effective has the most promise for lasting change.  

Read the full article here.

Self-Compassion

In recent years there has been an increase in research findings about the importance of self-compassion, rather than self-esteem or self-actualization.  I love this line from a recent New York Times article, "Treat yourself like a friend. When you are feeling negative about yourself, ask yourself what advice would you give a friend who was down on herself. Now try to apply that advice to you."  

Full Article "How to be Happy"